#418 Buizel

And pop goes the inflatable weasel.

This is exactly the kind of shizz that’s keeping me coming back, brother. This here’s the stuff that I wouldn’t hesitate to snort if it was ground up. The kind of jam that makes me weak in the knees, short of breath, palms sweaty. For those taking notes, this here’s what gets me through the day, week, month, you name it: Buizel, baby. My baby Buizel. My baby boy waterwing weasel baby.

This is just one of those Pokemon that I would literally get in a fistfight over. I overhear some idiot at the pub talkin’ smack about my boy here, that sucker’s gettin a rabbit-punch faster than they can say “I hate perfect little otters and whimsy and creativity.”

In case I haven’t made myself clear yet, Buizel is perfect and my adopted son. He’s just literally everything perfect about Pokemon, all in one wonderful semi-aquatic little package: He’s the perfect blend of every element that makes the series great, and is just so delightfully preposterous, you hardly even notice how nonsensical he really is. I mean, a finned water weasel wearing an inner tube as a scarf that propels itself through water like a torpedo by spinning its twin tails like a goddam propeller? Your guess is as good as mine as to how that somehow makes immediate sense despite making no sense at all.

Maybe it’s because there really is some kind of calculated logic behind each of Buizel’s fantastical design elements. The little guy hangs out in water a whole bunch, why not give him little blue fins to help him swim better? Those chunky paws of his surely aren’t very hydrodynamic on their own. The little guy’s still mammalian, so he needs air to breath. Why shouldn’t he have an inner tube around his neck that can inflate to help Buizel float with his head above the surface of the water? Why can’t this little water weasel have twin propeller tails that spin in order to achieve maximum forward propulsion in water? (…Besides the fact that logic dictates those tails should clearly get tangled up, but we’ve been over the magic of cartoon logic before with Hoppip.)

Overall, it just seems like a lot of really awesome attention to detail went into making everything about Buizel incredibly unique and cohesive. The Pokedex even goes on to elaborate how Buizel’s yellow collar is actually a flotation sac that can be inflated when it inhales. By doing so, Buizel can keep its face above water to watch for prey movement or survey its surroundings. Conversely, it deflates this sac in order to dive. The Pokedex also touches on how Buizel’s whirling tails can be used like a saw to slice through underwater obstacles like seaweed.

But of course, Buizel’s most important achievement is that it’s flipping adorable. If you can look at one of these little scamps and not blurt out an audible “awww~”, I’m convinced there may be something wrong with you.

He’s got the most dashing little black whisker-markings beneath his eyes. And a couple of eyebrow-like markings that make him look ever so expressionate and handsome. And of course, his inner tube ruff is nothing short of precious, the way his little weasel face pops out all happylike. Plus his bodyshape is so wonderfully plump and flopsy, you can just imagine these little guys sprawled out on a beach somewhere, their bodies drooped across the the rocks in manners of comfy cat-like positions.

So yeah, Buizel is Gamefreak’s brilliant little invention of nature with a design that’s so cute it physically hurts me to know that Buizel will never exist in real life. What’s not to love? Even his name is lovable. How do you say “Buizel” without sounding cute? Not even cold and unfeeling men like Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson could resist cracking a smile upon uttering a name as bubbly and vivacious as “Buizel.”

“Buizel!” “Buizel Buizel Buizel!”

Rating: 10/10